A Giant Problem
by Mystearica676
Summary: My take on what went down between Hook and the giant in "Tallahassee". Just two regular, ordinary fairy tale dudes fighting, drinking, and complaining about women. On a beanstalk.


**DISCLAIMER:**This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by Edward Kitsis and Adam Horowitz, ABC Studios, Disney, and various publishers. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. The song "Amsterdam" was collected from Stan Hugill and featured on Salty Dick's Uncensored Sailor Songs.

XXXXX

Well, wasn't this a fine kettle of fish? The most feared pirate of the ages, shackled to a moldering wall. No, not Blackbeard, _thank _you very much! Killian Jones, better known as Captain Hook to enemies and crew alike (being rather short on friends at the moment). And how, pray tell, does the scourge of the seas end up in such a predicament? How bloody else?! A woman. The oldest trick of all time: a pretty face, a bewitching smile, a lovely fine-boned hand offered in friendship, and before you can say 'you idiot, it's a trap', betrayal. Left to die in an unimaginably gruesome manner, eaten by the last giant left in all the enchanted lands. It figured. His luck had been on quite a downward spiral as of late.

Hook swore colorfully as the third bone shard snapped in the lock, having been of no more use than the previous two that he had tried. His dagger had been too large for the mechanism. It was apparent, though not reassuringly so, that the giant was used to keeping human-sized prisoners.

"You got off easy, my lad." He said to Jack, sliding over another likely-looking bone shard with his foot. He almost had it maneuvered to where he could pick it up when a great earthquake shook the floor, sending Hook to his knees and the bone piece skittering away out of reach.

"Damn and blast that vile, cursed woman! And all women!" Dragging the chain alongside, Hook ducked behind the corner and gazed out at his inevitable doom.

The giant wandered in, looking grumpy, disheveled, and rather smelly. He did not seem to care that piles of gold and treasure toppled with his every step. He stopped to look around, and Hook prayed to whatever gods had not yet decided to spit on his fate. Perhaps Swan hadn't told the giant she was leaving him behind, perhaps he could just-

"Come out, worthless human. I know you're there."

Damn it. Hook pictured slowly strangling Swan with a chain, the very same one currently in his white-knuckled grip. He took comfort from hearing her last wheezing breath in his mind. Then, he drew himself up to his less-than-impressive-by-comparison height and stepped out to face the giant.

Yes, still as gigantic as before. Hook deflated a bit.

"Oh, there you are!" the giant boomed. "The worst human around, right? Chained to my wall! Well isn't this just my lucky day? Are you done hiding now, little worm?"

Hook had been called many things in his day, but never a coward!

"Oy, you great buffoon! How dare you say I was hiding? I was just biding my time, waiting for you to lumber in so I could kill you and make my escape!"

As the giant looked surprised, then angry, then quite closer than he had been before, Hook reflected that he had never been called smart, either.

It was his last conscious thought while being squeezed in a very large and sweaty fist.

XXXXX

_Thirty minutes later…_

Hook awoke to a deluge of icy water. He bolted up to a sitting position, coughing and spluttering and clawing his wet hair out of his eyes. He swore and wondered where he was, what bar fight he had most recently lost, when the clink of the golden chain on his arm reminded him of his current no-so-little problem.

"Good, you're finally up. I was worried you died."

Hook looked up and up and up and saw the giant looming over him holding an empty jewel-encrusted chalice. "Why, you wish to kill me in a more interesting way later?" True, baiting the giant was probably not a wise idea, but if he was to die, then so be it. He would meet his death with the usual style and devil-may-care attitude that had marked most of his life. His only regret would be not killing the Crocodile first.

"No," replied the giant, "Even though I'd like to, I can't harm or kill you. I swore to it. Although I already sort of broke part of that oath." The giant shrugged, as if Hook's brief period of unconsciousness was a just a minor inconvenience.

Hook shook his head to dislodge any water remaining in his ears. Had the giant just said that he would _not_ kill him? That didn't sound like standard giant-type behavior.

"You swore an oath… to Swan?" So the tricky blonde had not left him to die horribly after all. Merely to be abused and delayed until she could get away safely with the compass. Clever. Quite clever.

"To the human woman, said her name was Emma. I'm to keep you here for ten hours, then let you go."

"That devious bitch."

"That's no way to talk about a lady! She saved your life, you know. You should be more appreciative." The giant tsked and sounded almost wounded on Emma's behalf.

Hook gave the big guy an appraising glance. Had the behemoth also been swayed by Swan?

"Listen, giant, that viper is no lady. She's as manipulative and deceitful as-"

"You?"

"Yes, exactly! I mean, no, I am the very picture of trust and discretion." Hook's mind was whirring with possibilities. It might be time to try a different tack. "Captain Killian Jones, at your service, my good man. Now that I am in no further danger, I don't see why we can't spend the next few hours pleasantly. How about undoing this chain, friend?"

The giant laughed as he glanced at the tiny outstretched arm. His thunderous guffaws shook the walls, rattled Hook's chain, and sent yet more treasure pyramids tumbling. Hook's charming smile was replaced by a cold glare.

The giant clapped his hands together gleefully and said, "Sure, and why don't I show you where I hid Jack's sword, too, while I'm at it? You know, you are just like she said you would be! How about that?" He crossed his arms. "Besides, Captain Hook, your legend precedes you."

Hook was both disgruntled and yet pleased. "You've heard of me?"

"Of the famous Hook, Captain of the Jolly Roger, the most fearsome pirate who ever sailed? Bane of the Lost Boys, Ruler of Neverland, killer of Pan? Of course I've heard of you! I'm isolated up here, but not deaf. Word travels."

Hook absently scratched at his chin, "Yes, I see that. But you forgot my favorite, "Lord of the Seas'. And that whole… 'Killer of Pan' thing may have been a bit, how shall I say, over-exaggerated?"

"Well, did you kill him or not?" the giant demanded, slumping down into a nearby stone bench.

Hook sighed. "Not. But I will, someday! To be sure of it, as soon as I finish up my other business, I shall be sailing back to Neverland to end things with Pan once and for all."

At this point, the giant looked dubious. "Whatever you say. Still, your reputation is pretty impressive. And no," Hook had opened his mouth, "I won't let you out of those chains, no matter what you say."

Hook swore and kicked a nearby table full of glittering baubles in anger. The whole thing shook right up to the very top and a fragile looking filigree egg rolled down and shattered upon the dirty flagstones.

"HEY!" the giant bellowed. "Watch it!" He crashed down to one knee, sending Hook flying into the wall behind him. The giant tried to pick up the broken gold and porcelain pieces, but they were too delicate for his hands. "ARGH!" He slammed his fist down upon the broken egg, plus the nearby table and a rusting suit of armor. The resulting tremor knocked Hook into the wall a second time, with even greater force. His breath whooshed out of his body all at once and his eyes rolled back.

"Oops…" said the giant.

XXXXX

_One hour later…_

Another chalice-full of water hit Hook with the force of a waterfall. More coughing ensued as he scrabbled his way up the wall until he was standing face-to-nose with the giant.

"Stop doing that, you bloody great moron!" Hook yelled, red in the face.

"Sorry, but it was the only way to wake you up! And you smashed my egg!" the giant yelled back, wincing as the little human clapped a hand and a hook over each ear.

"Sorry," the giant repeated in a quieter voice. "But stop breaking my things. They're all I have." He left Hook catching his breath and walked back over to his bench, refilling the chalice along the way with something that was definitely _not _water.

Hook licked his lips.

"So… would it be too much to ask for something to drink?" he sent the large creature a winning smile.

The giant paused, chalice midair, then sighed. "I supposed it would do no harm."

He put aside his own cup, then reached down to tug a smaller goblet from the skeletal remains of some long-dead adventurer. Hook tried not to read too much into the significance as the giant brought him a measure of amber liquid.

The pirate took an experimental swig, then drained the glass in his customary fashion. "Mead! Delicious!" He held the cup out to the giant to refill. "Where did you get such an excellent beverage, friend?"

The giant gave Hook a questioning look, as if deciding whether or not even this small statement could be trusted, or if it was a gateway to more trickery. Deciding that the pirate was harmless at the moment, the giant brought him more mead. "I brew it myself," he said with no small amount of pride.

"Incredible! You keep bees up here, how? Nevermind." Hook tossed back the second round, and waved his goblet for another.

The giant raised his eyebrows. This human could drink! He decided to fill a large-ish golden basin with mead and placed it next to Hook.

The pirate gleefully regarded this new arrangement and proceeded to dip his goblet. "So…"

The giant sat back on his bench and finally enjoyed a long swig of his own drink. "So…"

The two men eyeballed each other over their cups.

XXXXX

_Two hours later…_

"And then I said, 'I had your sister last Tuesday, love! I didn't even meet you until Wednesday!'" Hook threw his head back with a great sigh, sloshing the contents of his drink in every direction. He was sitting cross-legged with the chain looped artistically around his neck in several layers. He had also acquired a silver crown from somewhere and was wearing it at a jaunty angle. The nearby golden basin was almost empty.

The giant was lying down on the bench, with one foot on the ground and the other propped up on a headless marble statue that quite possibly had not been headless an hour earlier. "Women!" he exclaimed, then belched and took another swig of mead. "I hear you, Hook! Women are the worst."

"Well," Hook leered, "they do have their uses! Right, Jack, me pal?" He toasted the skeleton, then drained yet another glass.

The giant sighed, "Yeah…" He suddenly looked ready to cry.

"What's the matter, mate? Why the long face?" Hook queried, slurping noisily.

"I miss women." The giant looked so forlorn that Hook decided they had not been drinking nearly enough yet. "I haven't seen a giantess since before the Ogre Wars. We sent them into hiding, but the filthy humans found them and…" he took a huge gulp of liquid courage. "…slaughtered them all. Every last one of 'em."

Hook swallowed his own mouthful, then asked almost kindly, "Did you have a wife?"

The giant blushed and hiccuped, "No, but there was one giantess I liked. Her name was Evelyn. She was beeeeeautiful!" He sighed again dramatically, and Hook hoped he wouldn't start singing.

"Aye, well, love's a bitch anyway, my friend. I say screw it! Find a willing woman, and they're _always _willing when it comes to Captain Killian Jones, eh?" Hook gave what he assumed was a debonair smile, though he really just looked drunkenly maniacal, "Have a good time, then say good-bye. No strings, no attachments. That's my life's motto."

"What about Emma? She's pretty, for a human. I think. Right? I haven't actually seen a woman in a long time…" The giant peered into his chalice as if it held the secrets to the universe.

"Oh, she's pretty, no doubt about it," Hook agreed, nodding his head enthusiastically. "I wouldn't mind hoisting her main sail, if you get my drift!" At the giant's blank look, Hook continued, "Anyway, she's a beauty to be sure, and beautiful, motivated women are always the most troublesome! Constantly needing something or another, wanting you to kill their husband, find their daughter, steal a compass, blah blah blah…"

The giant stirred from a half slumber to counter, "She didn't really need you up here, little man. Emma bested me all on her own." He sounded a little smug for Hook's liking.

"I was _buried under a pile of rocks! _Forgive me for missing your little bonding session. What exactly happened, anyway?"

"Well," the giant drew another gobletful of mead from his supply and walked unsteadily back to the bench, "she sprang my own trap on me, then threatened me with Jack's sword." Hook was peering around avidly and the giant snapped, "I hid it, don't bother!" Hook did his best to look innocent and resumed drinking. "Then we talked about the wars, history, the compass and why she needed it. She also asked about my bean." The giant pulled a necklace from beneath his shirt and Hook was shocked to see it was one of the long-lost beans, though petrified and cracked. "Of course it's useless now, dead, and I told her so. At that point, I thought she would kill me since she had everything she wanted, but she didn't. Then we made a deal and she left."

Hook grimaced, "Yes, the deal involving my imprisonment. _Whore. _Gorgeous ass, though!" Hook held his hand up for a high-five, then quickly put it back down, deciding that could be disastrous.

The giant shot him a disapproving though amused look, "You should be nicer to women, Captain. Otherwise, they'll keep locking you up!"

Hook leaned back and closed his eyes, "Aye, that they probably will, my friend. And believe it or not, I was _trying _to be nice to Swan!"

The giant looked decidedly disbelieving. "So you weren't planning on double-crossing her?"

Hook chuckled darkly, "Well, of course I was going to double-cross her! I need that compass for my employer, and she is not one to take kindly to failure."

"So… you were going to betray her, she just betrayed you first instead?" the giant summarized.

"Yes, yes, the karmic irony is not lost on me. Refill, barkeep!" He kicked at the empty basin emphatically.

Another dragon-sized belch rocked the room, and the giant staggered to his feet. He bent down to pick up the basin, and Hook had a sudden fear that he would be crushed under a living, breathing, fleshy mountain should the giant topple over. Luckily, that fate was avoided and the giant refilled the basin and sent it spinning back towards the pirate.

XXXXX

_Three hours later…_

"Oh, I said, what now my pretty maid? She said, you're nice, but I'll be paid.

I said, but you enjoyed it, too! She said, that's right, as much as you.

She said, young man, you're very brash, but I like it more when I. Get. Caaaaaaaaaaaaash!"

Hook and the giant finished out the chorus together, and the bawdy shanty echoed through the drafty keep.

The giant burst into laughter. "Captain, you know th' most _innerstin' _songs!"

Hook grinned as he drank yet more mead to quench his parched throat. "A product of a life at sea, my large friend. Hey!" Hook sat up. "You nevr even told me your name, eh? Whassat all about?"

The giant eyed the black-clad human now sitting next to him, "Can't tell you. Isss a secret. Shhhhhh! Last giant alive an' all that."

Hook nodded upwards agreeably, "Makes sense. Makes perfect sense." He realized he was still nodding and forced himself to stop. "I know, I'll call you Tiny!" He laughed, pleased with his genius sense of humor.

The giant snorted. "And shall I call you Huge?"

"Well, you wouldn't be the first to call me that!" Hook gave the giant a hearty smack on the knee that the giant didn't even notice.

They shared a manly laugh before the giant suddenly keeled over and fell to the floor with a resounding crash. Fortunately, Hook had been able to scramble out of the way. He had been waiting for this moment a long time; the giant had proved more resilient to the alcohol than Hook had anticipated. He clawed his way up the wall until he was standing, not steadily but not quite as drunkenly as he had let on earlier. He shook off the golden manacle, kicking the chain out of the way. Hook had been able to pick the lock ages ago and had been merely biding his time ever since.

If he was honest with himself, Hook might even admit that he had enjoyed these past few hours. It had been a long time since he had just talked and drank in good company. "Gods, I'm pathetic," he thought, looking at the giant somewhat sadly. They could have been friends, in another lifetime.

"Well, enough of that." He took a deep breath, then climbed onto the unconscious giant who had begun to snore softly. "I'm sorry about this." He cut the bean necklace's cord with his dagger, then slid the whole thing into his knapsack. "Bros before hos, unless they're magical, vindictive hos that can rip out your heart. Remember that." He gave one last fond pat to the giant's nose, then hopped back down to the ground.

He walked the length of the hallway back towards the door, collecting various trinkets and coins on his way. He paused, then left his dagger lying next to the mead cask.

"See you later, Tiny."

Then he began the long, cold climb back down the beanstalk.


End file.
